Reviewing First Draft Script

Name three things that are working in the 1st draft of your script? Fully explain/analyse(dialogue, structure, narrative, characters)

The first thing that is working well in my first draft is the stage directions I have included, and how detailed they are, for example: George attempts to hug and kiss his wife. Christine backs away.
The main action comes from the character George, however the character Christine is still provided with movement in response to his. I believe my stage directions are helpful to my future actors, guiding them to become the characters I want them to be.

Further examples:
Ton: Dad? (half asleep)

George: But nothing (shouting)

Although, the directions needs to be put by the character's name and not after the dialogue, I think they succeed in setting the tone for the character. Ton being 'half asleep' suggests his unawareness to the situation, whilst George 'shouting' introduces an angry mood to the piece.

The second thing that is working well is Scene 2, which consists of one monologue. The time shifts from past to present and gives the audience an understanding of the protagonist of the play. Following the opening scene, which has additional characters and more of a chaotic vibe, Scene 2 has a different impact. It goes from 3 characters to 1 character, underneath a single spotlight. The mood is serious and more personal.
The monologue opens with the sentence - 'I’ve still got the scar.' This effectively informs the audience of which character they are watching.

The third and final thing that is working well in my first draft is the dialogue. My script has a fair amount of swearing, which I think adds a sense of realism to the piece. This is good because I am trying to reflect real-life events that the most troublesome alcoholics will endure. The character 'George' is the main user of offensive language:

'...Get out of my way you silly cow.'
'School is a bunch of bollocks. '

'He’s my son you crazy bitch.'

This highlights the aggressive nature of his character, presenting him as dangerous. 

Contrasting to George's language, is child Ton's dialogue. His childishness is clear when he hesitates around a swear word - '…mum isn't a…the b word.' The use of ellipsis adds to his hesitation.

Name three things that require development? Fully explain/analyse

The first thing that requires development is the structure of my script. Scenes 1, 2 and 3 have been fairly easy to write, however from Scene 4 onwards, I want the play to largely be flashbacks. I am finding this challenging because I am unsure how to physically change the character of Ton to appear younger and also how to continually jump from past to present.

The second thing I need to do to develop my script is put some interruption in the dialogue. Scene 1 is one explosive argument, so George's current long sentences need to be cut short by Chrissy.
For example:  'George: I’m not safe? Don’t listen to her Ton. She wouldn’t have married me if I wasn’t ‘safe.’ I’m her knight in shining armour, she just doesn’t like to admit it, ain’t that right Chris?' 

Chrissy could easily interrupt during the dialogue above, perhaps - 'Shut up!' (George continues to speak) 'Stop talking shit.'

The third and final thing that requires development is my storyline. To achieve a set storyline, I need to create a journey for Ton, which is full of both doubt and hope that he will recover from alcoholism. To create this journey, I need to give Ton a purpose in each scene - why is he there? what is he trying to achieve?

^ Discuss specific points (use quotes) to evidence where and why changes will be made? Fully explain/analyse -

A child typically calls their mum and dad, mummy and daddy when they are younger. This is a change I am considering for Ton's dialogue. Talking more like a child would emphasise his vulnerability in the different situations. It also provides a sense of innocence, causing the audience to feel greater sympathy.

George: Good morning son!

Ton: Dad? (half asleep) - change this to 'Daddy?'

George: He’s my son you crazy bitch.

Christine: Ton?

Ton: Mum it’s fine. I’ll go down with dad. - change this to 'Mummy it's fine.I'll go down with Daddy.' This shows Ton as obedient, which is generally how most young children behave.

What would you like to achieve in your final piece? Fully explain/analyse

Ideally, I would like to complete my script, or at least have an idea of the entire story. I would really like Ton and Lynn's friendship to flourish infront of the audience. Therefore, the play would reflect 2 journeys. One being Ton's road to recovery and the other being the progressive friendship of Ton and Lynn. I want the audience to admire their characters and feel happy that they have found eachother. Finally, I want the  message of the danger of alcohol to be firmly established, so that the audience leave my play thinking about this.

How much consideration have you given to staging? Fully explain/analyse

After discussion with Debra, we came up with an idea for staging. The set would consist of singular doors, which would make sense because each door could open up for every flashback scene, representing all the memories from Ton's past.

Full First Draft Script:

Scene 1: The stage is in impenetrable darkness. A young boy is asleep in bed.  A drunk father stumbles in, providing the stage with its first moment of light. This is a flashback.

George: Oi son!

(no response)

George: Oi Ton, get your arse down here.

(no response)

George: Are you fucking deaf?  (shouting merrily at the bottom of the stairs)

(no response – Ton wriggling in bed. George is making way up the stairs, falling at each step.)

Enters Christine - Chrissy. At the top of the stairs.

Chrissy: Look at the state of you.

George: Oh come on Chrissy. I’ve only had a couple.

Chrissy: A couple? You’re off your face.

George attempts to hug and kiss his wife. Christine backs away.

Chrissy: What’s happened to you?

George: What are you on about love? I’m fine. Brilliant.

Chrissy: I want you to get your things together, and leave. I don’t want to see you here in the morning.

George: Are you sure you’re not pissed? Cause you are chatting shit.

Chrissy: Oh please, George. If there’s anyone chatting shit, it’s you.

George: You don’t mean what you’re saying Chris.

Chrissy: I do.

George: You love me. And I love you! (goes in for a kiss)

Chrissy: No. Get off me.

George: Look love, I’m just going to get Ton and have a drink with my boy.

Chrissy: A drink with your boy? He’s 11 years old.

George: Better to introduce him to the good stuff whilst he’s young, ay.

Chrissy: You’re sick.

George: No, but I might be later.

Chrissy: You think this is all some big joke? You’re meant to be a father. You don’t even come close.

George: And you’re an emotional wreck.

Chrissy: And you know what? I did love you, but not anymore.

George (sarcastically): Oh no

Chrissy: Ton isn’t going to see you like this, and you won’t see him until you get your act together.

George: Oh won’t I? Get out of my way you silly cow.

George pushes Christine out of his way. Opens Ton’s bedroom door. Shuts and locks the door. Christine stood by.

George: Good morning son!

Ton: Dad? (half asleep)

George: Come on. Get your dressing gown on.

Ton: Why? It’s 4 in the morning.

George:  Oh is that the time? The night has only begun my boy.

Ton: I’ve got school in a few hours.

George: School is a bunch of bollocks. Come on, get your dressing gown and we’re going downstairs and you’re having a drink with your old man.

Ton: But…

George: But nothing (shouting)

Christine (directly outside Ton’s bedroom): The boy wants to go to school. If you showed up at any of the parents evening, you’d know he is one of the brightest boys.

George: If he’s one of the brightest then I’m sure he can miss a day.

Christine attempts to open the door.

Christine: George, unlock the door.

George: Go to bed Chrissy.

Christine: I’m not leaving you alone with him.

George: He’s my son you crazy bitch.

Christine: Ton?

Ton: Mum it’s fine. I’ll go down with dad.

Christine: He’s not safe baby.

George: I’m not safe? Don’t listen to her Ton. She wouldn’t have married me if I wasn’t ‘safe.’ I’m her knight in shining armour, she just doesn’t like to admit it, ain’t that right Chris?

Christine (slaps hand on door): Stop talking rubbish George. Let me in.

Ton: Dad, I’m scared.

George: Nothing to be scared about son. Come on, let’s find your dressing gown and head downstairs.

(turning room upside down)

Ton: Dad, what are you doing?

George: What do you think I’m doing?

 Ton: My dressing gown’s there (hung on the wardrobe)....Dad, I don’t like it when you and mum argue.

George: You should tell her to stop being a bitch then.

Ton: She’s not!

George: What?

Ton: I said mum isn’t a…the b word.

George grabs Ton by ear. Unlocks the door and drags him downstairs. Chrissy runs after them both, screaming.

Chrissy: Get off him. You’re going to tear his ear off pulling it that hard. Get off of my son! I’ll call the police.

Family are now in the kitchen. George grabs knife hanging up, letting go of Ton.

George (gliding a knife across Chrissy’s body): You’re not touching that phone.

Chrissy: Put the knife down.

Ton: Dad, please.

George: Shut up Ton.

Ton (crying): Let her go!

George (drops knife, turns his attention to Ton): Stand against the wall.

Christine: Don’t you touch him.

George (head shaking, spitting –in rage): STAND AGAINST THE WALL TON

Ton shaking, walks to the wall. His back facing the audience. George unstraps his belt from his jeans.

Ton: Dad, I’m sorry.

(George swinging belt in the air)

Christine: No George. Please. Please don’t. George!

Ton: Dad I’m sorry. Please. I promise I won’t do it again. I’m sorry.

George: I bet you won’t.

STRIKES Ton.

Christine: NOOOO

Blackout. 

Scene 2 – Ton is now grown. He is in his mid-30s. A single spotlight centre stage. This is now in the present.

Ton: I’ve still got the scar. And his raging voice still rings in my ear. After that night, he disappeared for a while. The next we saw of him was 3 months later - a police officer bringing him to our door. He had been arrested for ABH, kicking off at a barman for not serving him another. Seeing as he had nowhere else to go, my mum couldn’t help but let him in. In a few weeks of him staying, I found him time after time in the bathroom. His head so far down the toilet that he was at home with the piss and shit. This became so normal that we’d usually just leave him there until he made his own recovery. But after 3 hours had passed, he was still in the same position and that’s when I knew something wasn’t right. He stunk of boos so approaching him was hard enough, but I eventually came close enough to feel if there was a pulse. Something my mum had taught me to do, in case of an ‘emergency’, she obviously knew he would put me in this position one day. I pressed two fingers into his neck for a good 30 seconds. Nothing. I tried again with his wrist. Again, nothing. No pulse, and yet I left the house as if my dad hadn’t just died. Just like any other day. And you know where I went? I robbed a bottle of vodka from a corner shop.  Downing it no less than 2 minutes. That’s when I knew I had the same monster inside of me.  At the age of 13, I was starting my life as an alcoholic. How sad is that? 13 fucking years old. How could I follow the same steps of the man who hadn’t bothered to be a proper father? Sometimes I blame him, other times I blame myself for having no self-control. Maybe it’s in the genetics, who knows.

Scene 3. Lights come up. The whole stage is lit. Ton is in the middle of a circle of chairs, which have people sat in them. He is at an AA meeting.  

Lynn: Tony, was it?

Ton: Everyone calls me Ton.

Lynn: Sorry. Ton. If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you been sober for?

Ton: About an hour and a half.