Since speaking to Debra, the structure of my play is an aspect which is working really well. With the singular doors staging, I have been able to start and end each scene in a simplistic but effective way. For example:
Scene 5. Ton and Lynn have a discussion, before entering another door.
Scene 6 – Ton and Lynn enter the second door. This door introduces the love of Ton’s life – Emma– and their relationship. They are around 20 years old.
Emma: Oh but you know I’m ill Ton.
Ton: I know babe, but please. For me.
Example 2-
Ton gets down on one knee
Emma: Oh my god.
Ton: Emma, you bring out the best in me babe. I love you more and more each day.
Their love offers the play a different vibe. Previous to Scene 6, there has always been some drama involved. This scene contrasts to what has come before it, therefore giving my play dynamics. Understanding Ton's range of emotions, the audience continue to admire his character and the current day determination he has to recover.
Third and finally, I feel that the dialogue has improved, in terms of the amount of interruption during a moment conflict.
For instance:
George: I’ll tell you what the fucking problem is, you and your Mrs flaunting all your cash. Always embarrassing me and Chrissy.
Andy: Are you having a laugh? All the financial help we’ve given you guys and this is how you return the favour.
George: What financial help?
Neither character deliver long-winded sentences, without the other snapping back. The pace is fast and the quick and short responses from both Andy and George heighten the suspenseful atmosphere.
Neither character deliver long-winded sentences, without the other snapping back. The pace is fast and the quick and short responses from both Andy and George heighten the suspenseful atmosphere.
Name three things you would develop if your play was long-listed? Fully explain/analyse
If my play were to be long-listed, the area of my script I would like to improve on first is lighting and sound effects. 'Scene 1: The stage is in impenetrable darkness' - this is one of the only lighting descriptions within my script. Looking back at 'Styles of Script' (post), I need to apply some of those features, for example INT/EXT. and the time of day. Giving each scene a time of day will influence the lighting.
How I could apply the features listed above:
Scene 4. Ton and Lynn enter a door. One of many plotted onstage. The door opens into the scene of Ton’s 7th birthday party at the family home.
BECOMES
As the time is 13.00, I would want the lighting to reflect a sunny day, which mean I would use colours such as white and blue.
The second area of my script I'd wish to develop is stage direction for the actor. My general stage directions are going well but I want to give my actors more guidance to what tone I want certain lines to be in:
Ton (spoke elongated): Dad - this is a good example of me doing this.
However, the dialogue between Ton and Lynn needs more of this.
It currently looks like this-
Lynn: You’re honest. I like honest people.
Ton: That’s sweet.
Lynn: So, what came after primary school?
Ton: High school, of course.
Lynn: Oh yes, the place full of hopes and dreams.
It could be like this-
Lynn (sweetly): You're honest. I like honest people.
Ton (smirks): That's sweet.
Lynn (curiously): So, what came after primary school?
Ton: High school, of course.
Lynn (sarcastically/exaggerating): Oh yes, the place full of hopes and dreams.
The last thing I would do to develop my script is include a monologue from another character, most likely Lynn. This would present to the audience a different perception of Ton and gives them a chance to view the protagonist in a different light. A monologue from another character would add more dimension to the play.
Do you think you have achieved what you set out to do? Fully explain/analyse
I am disappointed that I was unable to finish my script, however I am satisfied with the storyline that I have created for the rest of the play (see end of 'full second draft script'). I think the warning against alcohol message has gradually got firmer and will continue to do so as the severity of Ton's troublesome life is revealed. Finally, the addition of Lynn's monologue will help show the progression of her and Ton's friendship.
Scene 1: The stage is
in impenetrable darkness. A young boy is asleep in bed. A drunk father stumbles in, providing the
stage with its first moment of light. This is a flashback.
George: Oi son!
(no response)
George: Oi Ton, get your arse down here.
(no response)
George: Are you fucking deaf? (shouting
merrily at the bottom of the stairs)
(no response – Ton
wriggling in bed. George is making way up the stairs, falling at each step.)
Enters Christine -
Chrissy. At the top of the stairs.
Chrissy: Look at the state of you.
George: Oh come on Chrissy. I’ve only had a couple.
Chrissy: A couple? You’re off your face.
George attempts to hug
and kiss his wife. Christine backs away.
Chrissy: What’s happened to you?
George: What are you
on about love? I’m fine. Brilliant.
Chrissy: I want you
to get your things together, and leave. I don’t want to see you here in the
morning.
George: Are you sure
you’re not pissed? Cause you are chatting shit.
Chrissy: Oh please,
George. If there’s anyone chatting shit, it’s you.
George: You don’t
mean what you’re saying Chris.
Chrissy: I do.
George: You love me.
And I love you! (goes in for a kiss)
Chrissy: No. Get off
me.
George: Look love, I’m
just going to get Ton and have a drink with my boy.
Chrissy: A drink
with your boy? He’s 11 years old.
George: Better to
introduce him to the good stuff whilst he’s young, ay.
Chrissy: You’re
sick.
George: No, but I
might be later.
Chrissy: You think
this is all some big joke? You’re meant to be a father. You don’t even come
close.
George: And you’re
an emotional wreck.
Chrissy: And you
know what? I did love you, but not anymore.
George
(sarcastically): Oh no
Chrissy: Ton isn’t
going to see you like this, and you won’t see him until you get your act together.
George: Oh won’t I?
Get out of my way you silly cow.
George pushes Christine out of his way. Opens
Ton’s bedroom door. Shuts and locks the door. Christine stood by.
George: Good morning
son!
Ton: Dad? (half asleep)
George: Come on. Get
your dressing gown on.
Ton: Why? It’s 4 in
the morning.
George: Oh is that the time? The night has only begun
my boy.
Ton: I’ve got school
in a few hours.
George: School is a
bunch of bollocks. Come on, get your dressing gown and we’re going downstairs. You’re
having a drink with your old man.
Ton: But…
George: But nothing (shouting)
Chrissy (directly
outside Ton’s bedroom): The boy wants to go to school. If you showed up at
any of the parents evening, you’d know he is one of the brightest boys.
George: If he’s one of the brightest then I’m sure he can
miss a day.
Chrissy attempts to
open the door.
Chrissy: George, unlock the door.
George: Go to bed Chrissy.
Chrissy: I’m not leaving you alone with him.
George: He’s my son you crazy bitch.
Chrissy: Ton?
Ton: Mum it’s fine. I’ll go down with dad.
Chrissy: He’s not safe baby.
George: I’m not safe? Don’t listen to her Ton. She wouldn’t have
married me if I wasn’t ‘safe.’ I’m her knight in shining armour, she just
doesn’t like to admit it, ain’t that right Chris?
Chrissy (slaps hand on door): Stop talking rubbish George.
Let me in.
Ton: Dad, I’m scared.
George: Nothing to be scared about son. Come on, let’s find
your dressing gown and head downstairs.
(turning room upside
down)
Ton: Dad, what are you doing?
George: What do you think I’m doing?
Ton: My dressing
gown’s there (points at it - hung on the
wardrobe door)....Dad, I don’t like it when you and mum argue.
George: You should tell her to stop being a bitch then.
Ton: She’s not!
George: What?
Ton: I said mum isn’t a…the b word.
George grabs Ton by
ear. Unlocks the door and drags him downstairs. Chrissy runs after them both,
screaming.
Chrissy: Get off him. You’re going to tear his ear off
pulling it that hard. Get off of my son! I’ll call the police.
Family are now in the
kitchen. George grabs knife hanging up, letting go of Ton.
George (gliding a
knife across Chrissy’s body): You’re not touching that phone.
Chrissy: Put the knife down.
Ton: Dad, please.
George: Shut up Ton.
Ton (crying): Let
her go!
George (drops knife,
turns his attention to Ton): Stand against the wall.
Christsy: Don’t you touch him.
George (head shaking,
spitting –in rage): STAND AGAINST THE WALL TON
Ton shaking, walks to
the wall. His back facing the audience. George unstraps his belt from his
jeans.
Ton: Dad, I’m sorry.
(George swinging belt
in the air)
Chrissy: No George. Please. Please don’t. George!
Ton: Dad I’m sorry. Please. I promise I won’t do it again.
I’m sorry.
George: I bet you won’t.
STRIKES Ton.
Chrissy: NOOOO
Blackout
Ton: I’ve still got the scar. And his raging voice still rings in my ear. After that night, he disappeared for a while. The next we saw of him was 3 months later - a police officer bringing him to our door. He had been arrested for ABH, kicking off at a barman for not serving him another. Seeing as he had nowhere else to go, my mum couldn’t help but let him in. In a few weeks of him staying, I found him time after time in the bathroom. His head so far down the toilet that he was at home with the piss and shit. This became so normal that we’d usually just leave him there until he made his own recovery. But after 3 hours had passed, he was still in the same position and that’s when I knew something wasn’t right. He stunk of boos so approaching him was hard enough, but I eventually came close enough to feel if there was a pulse. Something my mum had taught me to do, in case of an ‘emergency’, she obviously knew he would put me in this position one day. I pressed two fingers into his neck for a good 30 seconds. Nothing. I tried again with his wrist. Again, nothing. No pulse, and yet I left the house as if my dad hadn’t just died. Just like any other day. And you know where I went? I robbed a bottle of vodka from a corner shop. Downing it no less than 2 minutes. That’s when I knew I had the same monster inside of me. At the age of 13, I was starting my life as an alcoholic. How sad is that? 13 fucking years old. How could I follow the same steps of the man who hadn’t bothered to be a proper father? Sometimes I blame him, other times I blame myself for having no self-control. Maybe it’s in the genetics, who knows.
Scene 3. Lights come
up. The whole stage is lit. Ton is in the middle of a circle of chairs, which
have people sat in them. He is at an AA meeting.
Lynn: Tony, was it?
Ton: Everyone calls me Ton.
Lynn: Sorry. Ton. If you don’t mind me asking, how long have
you been sober for?
Ton: About an hour and a half.
Lynn: A length of time is better than none.
Ton: You?
Lynn: Coming up to about 7 years now.
Ton: Wow.
Lynn: It’s not been an easy ride. I’ve lost a few mates
because not drinking made me ‘boring.’ But that’s their problem, not mine. Not
going to lie to you, the journey to recovery is the hardest. Just got to take it one day at a time.
Ton: I’ve never been good at the whole having willpower
thing. I used to be before I hit my teens. But as I said, it all went bad from
then onwards.
Lynn: Anything change in the family?
Ton: Mum got herself a boyfriend. And I was delighted for
her. He seemed like a nice guy. But as my mum’s luck goes, he turned out to be
a twat. She began covering herself up a lot more. One day, she rolled up her
sleeves, I suppose by accident. And I saw what she was hiding. At least 5
slashes on each wrist. They were deep and fresh. And my heart broke for her.
Lynn: Self-inflicted?
Ton: Yep. But I knew it was because of him. 6 months into
the relationship, all he could do was scream at her day and night over the
pettiest things. After seeing the cuts, that was the final straw. The next days
and nights, Darren spent on the doorstep until he finally got the point.
Lynn: How did he get the point?
Ton: A good beating, that’s how.
Lynn: So you’re an aggressive character?
Ton: Can you blame me? I’m a raging alcoholic
Ton: Anyway, I should probably take you back to how my life
became what it is. It wasn’t all from the one belt slash.
Scene 4. Ton and Lynn
enter a door. One of many plotted onstage. The door opens into the scene of Ton’s
7th birthday party at the family home.
Ton: But Mummy!
Chrissy: We’ll open some more presents later.
Ton: I want to open them now!
Chrissy: Tony.
Ton (spoke elongated): Dad
George: Listen to your mum, Ton.
Ton (sulking): Fine.
George (whispers):
How about, if you’re a good boy and wait to open your presents, Daddy
promises to give you lots of cake later.
Ton: You promise?
George: Promise.
Ton: Okay
George: Now go on, go play with your friends.
Ton: Thanks Dad (runs off to other room)
Chrissy (to George): He’s going to cry his eyes out later
when he doesn’t get that cake.
George: Who said anything about cake?
Chrissy (giggling): I love you
The two share a kiss.
George finishes the glass of alcohol in his hand – whisky/brandy.
Birthday party scene
freezes – lights fade out. Back to Ton and Lynn momentarily.
Lynn: Wow, they were in love, alright.
Ton: Yeah, they were.
Lynn puts hand on
Ton’s shoulder
Lynn: Can this please be a story with a happy ending?
Ton: Afraid not.
Lynn: Oh.
Ton: Don’t you see what’s in my dad’s hands?
George is lit
elsewhere on stage, downing drinks/shots. Ton and Lynn are no longer visible to
audience. Lights fade up.
Birthday party scene
recommences. Andy and Jane – Chrissy’s brother and his wife – enter the scene.
Ton (opening present from mum and dad): WOW. Oh my gosh,
it’s a scooter! And it’s red. That’s my favourite colour! Look Mummy, look.
Chrissy: I’m glad you like it baby.
Ton: I love it, lets go ride it now!
George: Don’t forget, Uncle Andy and Auntie Jane got you
something too.
Ton: Ooh yeah, gimme.
Chrissy: Excuse me.
Ton: Sorry. I mean, please can I have my present uncle Andy
and Auntie Jane? Please!
Jane: Of course you can sweetheart.
(Andy enters, carrying
a large present)
Ton: It’s gianormous!
Andy: For my favourite nephew in the world.
George: Funny that, he’s your only nephew.
Andy: Lighten up George
George: Don’t need to. (to Ton) Open it then.
Ton: I am! I am! (wrapping paper is ripped off with help
from mum) Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Thank you so much Uncle Andy and auntie Jane.
George: What is it?
Ton: It’s a bike Dad! A batman one!
George: That’s lovely Ton. (to Andy) Can I have a word?
The two exit the
lounge. They are now in the hallway. Whilst, Chrissy, Ton and Jane are excited
about the bike.
George: What’s that all about?
Andy: What?
George: The bike.
Andy: It’s no big deal mate.
George: You think it’s funny to show us up?
Andy: That’s not what I was trying to do.
George: Cut the bullshit.
Andy: I just got your son, my nephew, a birthday present. I
don’t see the problem here to be quite frank with you George.
George: I’ll tell you what the fucking problem is, you and
your Mrs flaunting all your cash. Always embarrassing me and Chrissy.
Andy: Are you having a laugh? All the financial help we’ve
given you guys and this is how you return the favour.
George: What financial help?
Andy: You might want to get a better relationship with my
sister.
George: You what?
Andy: What I’m saying is, you clearly don’t know your wife
well enough.
George grabs Andy’s
collar. The two are face to face.
George: Don’t talk to me about how well I know my wife.
Andy: Or what?
George headbutts Andy,
who falls to the floor. Crash sound – cue Chrissy and Jane. Ton follows.
George: That’s fucking what.
Andy: What the fuck is wrong with you? You stupid prick.
Chrissy: What is going on? Andy, you’re bleeding.
George (shouting): He deserved it.
Chrissy: George, what did you do?
Andy (gets up): You wait until I get my hands on you.
George: Come on then. I’d like to see you try.
Jane: Both of you, stop.
Ton (who has been peering between adults’ legs to see the
scene in the hallway): Dad, let’s go ride my bike.
George: Yeah course son.
Chrissy: Just wait a second sweetheart. George, you look
ill.
George vomits in the
hallway. Body is slouched over – slightly unconscious.
Ton: Ewww
Chrissy (to Ton): Mummy will come ride your bike with you,
because Daddy’s not feeling very well.
Ton: Now!
Chrissy: I’ve just got to get Daddy to bed, and then we’ll
play.
Chrissy (to George – trying to carry him): Lets get you
upstairs.
Andy: You’re going to treat him like some sort of king,
after what he’s just done.
Chrissy: Look, we’ll sort it out later. But now, he needs to
rest and sober up. Give me a hand?
Andy: You’re having a laugh. We’re leaving. Come on Jane.
Chrissy: Jane?
Jane: Sorry, Chrissy.
The two pace out the
house. Exit onto the street.
Ton (loudly – remaining on the front door step): Uncle Andy,
where are you going?
Andy: Auntie Jane and I have got to go. We’ll be back
another time Ton.
Ton: But you haven’t seen me ride the bike you got me!
Andy (runs back to door): Sorry kiddo. Another time.
He bends down to hug
Ton and gives him a kiss on the cheek. He returns to the street, him and Jane
exit.
Back to present day
Ton and Lynn.
Ton: Didn’t see my uncle much after that day.
Lynn: Cause of your dad?
Ton: That. And he couldn’t forgive my mum for standing by
her husband and not him, her own flesh and blood. To be fair, I don’t really blame
him for fucking off. Like my dad said, he had so much money. The kind that could
buy you happiness, you know. Family clearly became not necessary to him.
Scene 5. Ton and Lynn
have a discussion, before entering another door.
Ton: Primary school was a screw up. Well, my dad screwed it for me. He would show
up to parents evenings off his nut. I remember other parents would tut and
scowl. Even kids that were my closest friends backed off after seeing my Dad.
Lynn: What bastards. You know what people don’t realise?
Alcoholism is a disease, just as much as cancer or any other illness is.
Ton: Yeah that’s true, but not seeking any help was my dad’s
problem. I’m pretty surprised in myself for coming to AA really.
Lynn: Well, I’m glad you came.
Ton: And why’s that?
Lynn: You’re honest. I like honest people.
Ton: That’s sweet.
Lynn: So, what came after primary school?
Ton: High school, of course.
Lynn: Oh yes, the place full of hopes and dreams.
Ton: And it lets you down big time.
Lynn: Amen. My high school experience was as crappy as it
gets. Ugly, not many friends, and definitely no prom.
Ton: I was kicked out before prom was even on the cards.
Lynn (to self): I was the only one.
Ton: The only one who didn’t go to prom? Na, couldn’t have
been.
Lynn: No!
Ton: Then what?
Lynn: Not one boy asked me to be his date. Not even Josh
Michaels, and he was dying to get laid.
Ton: Ah, it’s no big deal. Your prom date isn’t the person
you’re going to marry. I mean, mine was, but that’s besides the point.
Lynn: You’re married?
Ton: Was.
Lynn: Sorry.
Ton: My Emma was begging me to go to prom just 2 months into
our relationship.
Lynn: Great! An alccy was wanted more at the prom than a
young, innocent, Lynn Davis was. Joking.
Ton: Hilarious. Anyway, back to me.
Lynn: Why is it that all we discuss is you?
Ton: You asked, remember.
Lynn: You got me there.
Ton: So, Emma. My god, she was something else.
Lynn: Pretty?
Ton: Beautiful. Most gorgeous girl I’d ever laid my eyes on.
Lynn: So you got married?
Ton: Hey, you can’t just skip the story like that.
Lynn: Can’t I?
Ton: No. You want the full story, right?
Ton and Lynn arrive at
another door. He opens the door. End scene.
Scene 6 – Ton and
Lynn enter the second door. This door introduces the love of Ton’s life – Emma
– and their relationship. They are
around 20 years old.
Ton: Oh come on Em, it’ll be fun.
Emma: Oh but you know I’m ill Ton.
Ton: I know babe, but please. For me.
Emma: Fine. I’ll go.
Ton: Yes!
Emma: Only for you.
Ton: That’s my girl. You ready?
Emma: What…now?
Ton: Yes, now silly.
Emma: Let me just grab my bag. (she runs upstairs, coming
straight back down with her bag)
Ton: Ready?
Emma (smiling): Ready.
The two exit the house.
The setting changes into a restaurant.
Emma: Did you win the lottery and forget to tell me or
something? This place is amazing.
Ton (laughs): No, I didn’t win the lottery Em.
Emma: How are you affording this?
Ton: Shh, that doesn’t matter.
Ton takes Emma’s
hands, holding them across the table.
Ton: I really love you.
Emma: I love you too.
Ton: We’ve had a few bumps along the road, ain’t we?
Emma: A few to say the least.
Ton: But you stuck by me and pulled me out of the lowest
points I’ve been in, in my life. I’m so grateful for you Em.
Emma (getting teary): I’m the grateful one. You do
everything for me Ton.
Ton: Are you crying?
Emma: So what if I am.
Ton (gets out of seat to go over to hers): You’re so cute.
Emma: Alright, don’t make a scene.
Ton: Well, you’re not going to like this then.
Emma: Like what?
Ton gets down on one
knee
Emma: Oh my god.
Ton: Emma, you bring out the best in me babe. I love you
more and more each day.
Emma (shaking): Oh my god. I can’t believe this is
happening.
Ton: I want to spend the rest of my life with you (pulls
ring out of pocket) so will you do the honour of being my wife and marry me?
Emma: Yes!
(Ton puts the ring on
her finger. The two embrace. Extras in the restaurant notice what’s going on
and begin clapping for the happy couple)
Emma (looking at her hand): It’s beautiful.
Ton: So I did good?
Emma: You did more than good. Oh my god, we’re getting
married! We’re getting married!
End scene.
Scene 7. Ton and
Lynn.
Ton: So that happened. We got married. And everything was
starting to look up for me.
(Mime of wedding
happening elsewhere on stage)
Outline of rest of
the play
- Ton cheats on Emma. Soon after having their first baby.
- The above results in divorce. This leads to Ton almost dying from alcohol, as he spends endless hours in pubs, bars and clubs. In consequence, he loses any custody rights to his child
- It is when Ton ends up in hospital that the turning point of the play arrives. After being discharged, he tries normal therapy/counselling, which is unsuccessful. AA is his last resort.
- Realistically, my play would be an estimate of 1 hour and half in length, which doesn’t include the interval time between 2 acts.
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