Reviewing First Draft Script

Name three things that are working in the 1st draft of your script? Fully explain/analyse(dialogue, structure, narrative, characters)

The first thing that is working well in my first draft is the stage directions I have included, and how detailed they are, for example: George attempts to hug and kiss his wife. Christine backs away.
The main action comes from the character George, however the character Christine is still provided with movement in response to his. I believe my stage directions are helpful to my future actors, guiding them to become the characters I want them to be.

Further examples:
Ton: Dad? (half asleep)

George: But nothing (shouting)

Although, the directions needs to be put by the character's name and not after the dialogue, I think they succeed in setting the tone for the character. Ton being 'half asleep' suggests his unawareness to the situation, whilst George 'shouting' introduces an angry mood to the piece.

The second thing that is working well is Scene 2, which consists of one monologue. The time shifts from past to present and gives the audience an understanding of the protagonist of the play. Following the opening scene, which has additional characters and more of a chaotic vibe, Scene 2 has a different impact. It goes from 3 characters to 1 character, underneath a single spotlight. The mood is serious and more personal.
The monologue opens with the sentence - 'I’ve still got the scar.' This effectively informs the audience of which character they are watching.

The third and final thing that is working well in my first draft is the dialogue. My script has a fair amount of swearing, which I think adds a sense of realism to the piece. This is good because I am trying to reflect real-life events that the most troublesome alcoholics will endure. The character 'George' is the main user of offensive language:

'...Get out of my way you silly cow.'
'School is a bunch of bollocks. '

'He’s my son you crazy bitch.'

This highlights the aggressive nature of his character, presenting him as dangerous. 

Contrasting to George's language, is child Ton's dialogue. His childishness is clear when he hesitates around a swear word - '…mum isn't a…the b word.' The use of ellipsis adds to his hesitation.

Name three things that require development? Fully explain/analyse

The first thing that requires development is the structure of my script. Scenes 1, 2 and 3 have been fairly easy to write, however from Scene 4 onwards, I want the play to largely be flashbacks. I am finding this challenging because I am unsure how to physically change the character of Ton to appear younger and also how to continually jump from past to present.

The second thing I need to do to develop my script is put some interruption in the dialogue. Scene 1 is one explosive argument, so George's current long sentences need to be cut short by Chrissy.
For example:  'George: I’m not safe? Don’t listen to her Ton. She wouldn’t have married me if I wasn’t ‘safe.’ I’m her knight in shining armour, she just doesn’t like to admit it, ain’t that right Chris?' 

Chrissy could easily interrupt during the dialogue above, perhaps - 'Shut up!' (George continues to speak) 'Stop talking shit.'

The third and final thing that requires development is my storyline. To achieve a set storyline, I need to create a journey for Ton, which is full of both doubt and hope that he will recover from alcoholism. To create this journey, I need to give Ton a purpose in each scene - why is he there? what is he trying to achieve?

^ Discuss specific points (use quotes) to evidence where and why changes will be made? Fully explain/analyse -

A child typically calls their mum and dad, mummy and daddy when they are younger. This is a change I am considering for Ton's dialogue. Talking more like a child would emphasise his vulnerability in the different situations. It also provides a sense of innocence, causing the audience to feel greater sympathy.

George: Good morning son!

Ton: Dad? (half asleep) - change this to 'Daddy?'

George: He’s my son you crazy bitch.

Christine: Ton?

Ton: Mum it’s fine. I’ll go down with dad. - change this to 'Mummy it's fine.I'll go down with Daddy.' This shows Ton as obedient, which is generally how most young children behave.

What would you like to achieve in your final piece? Fully explain/analyse

Ideally, I would like to complete my script, or at least have an idea of the entire story. I would really like Ton and Lynn's friendship to flourish infront of the audience. Therefore, the play would reflect 2 journeys. One being Ton's road to recovery and the other being the progressive friendship of Ton and Lynn. I want the audience to admire their characters and feel happy that they have found eachother. Finally, I want the  message of the danger of alcohol to be firmly established, so that the audience leave my play thinking about this.

How much consideration have you given to staging? Fully explain/analyse

After discussion with Debra, we came up with an idea for staging. The set would consist of singular doors, which would make sense because each door could open up for every flashback scene, representing all the memories from Ton's past.

Full First Draft Script:

Scene 1: The stage is in impenetrable darkness. A young boy is asleep in bed.  A drunk father stumbles in, providing the stage with its first moment of light. This is a flashback.

George: Oi son!

(no response)

George: Oi Ton, get your arse down here.

(no response)

George: Are you fucking deaf?  (shouting merrily at the bottom of the stairs)

(no response – Ton wriggling in bed. George is making way up the stairs, falling at each step.)

Enters Christine - Chrissy. At the top of the stairs.

Chrissy: Look at the state of you.

George: Oh come on Chrissy. I’ve only had a couple.

Chrissy: A couple? You’re off your face.

George attempts to hug and kiss his wife. Christine backs away.

Chrissy: What’s happened to you?

George: What are you on about love? I’m fine. Brilliant.

Chrissy: I want you to get your things together, and leave. I don’t want to see you here in the morning.

George: Are you sure you’re not pissed? Cause you are chatting shit.

Chrissy: Oh please, George. If there’s anyone chatting shit, it’s you.

George: You don’t mean what you’re saying Chris.

Chrissy: I do.

George: You love me. And I love you! (goes in for a kiss)

Chrissy: No. Get off me.

George: Look love, I’m just going to get Ton and have a drink with my boy.

Chrissy: A drink with your boy? He’s 11 years old.

George: Better to introduce him to the good stuff whilst he’s young, ay.

Chrissy: You’re sick.

George: No, but I might be later.

Chrissy: You think this is all some big joke? You’re meant to be a father. You don’t even come close.

George: And you’re an emotional wreck.

Chrissy: And you know what? I did love you, but not anymore.

George (sarcastically): Oh no

Chrissy: Ton isn’t going to see you like this, and you won’t see him until you get your act together.

George: Oh won’t I? Get out of my way you silly cow.

George pushes Christine out of his way. Opens Ton’s bedroom door. Shuts and locks the door. Christine stood by.

George: Good morning son!

Ton: Dad? (half asleep)

George: Come on. Get your dressing gown on.

Ton: Why? It’s 4 in the morning.

George:  Oh is that the time? The night has only begun my boy.

Ton: I’ve got school in a few hours.

George: School is a bunch of bollocks. Come on, get your dressing gown and we’re going downstairs and you’re having a drink with your old man.

Ton: But…

George: But nothing (shouting)

Christine (directly outside Ton’s bedroom): The boy wants to go to school. If you showed up at any of the parents evening, you’d know he is one of the brightest boys.

George: If he’s one of the brightest then I’m sure he can miss a day.

Christine attempts to open the door.

Christine: George, unlock the door.

George: Go to bed Chrissy.

Christine: I’m not leaving you alone with him.

George: He’s my son you crazy bitch.

Christine: Ton?

Ton: Mum it’s fine. I’ll go down with dad.

Christine: He’s not safe baby.

George: I’m not safe? Don’t listen to her Ton. She wouldn’t have married me if I wasn’t ‘safe.’ I’m her knight in shining armour, she just doesn’t like to admit it, ain’t that right Chris?

Christine (slaps hand on door): Stop talking rubbish George. Let me in.

Ton: Dad, I’m scared.

George: Nothing to be scared about son. Come on, let’s find your dressing gown and head downstairs.

(turning room upside down)

Ton: Dad, what are you doing?

George: What do you think I’m doing?

 Ton: My dressing gown’s there (hung on the wardrobe)....Dad, I don’t like it when you and mum argue.

George: You should tell her to stop being a bitch then.

Ton: She’s not!

George: What?

Ton: I said mum isn’t a…the b word.

George grabs Ton by ear. Unlocks the door and drags him downstairs. Chrissy runs after them both, screaming.

Chrissy: Get off him. You’re going to tear his ear off pulling it that hard. Get off of my son! I’ll call the police.

Family are now in the kitchen. George grabs knife hanging up, letting go of Ton.

George (gliding a knife across Chrissy’s body): You’re not touching that phone.

Chrissy: Put the knife down.

Ton: Dad, please.

George: Shut up Ton.

Ton (crying): Let her go!

George (drops knife, turns his attention to Ton): Stand against the wall.

Christine: Don’t you touch him.

George (head shaking, spitting –in rage): STAND AGAINST THE WALL TON

Ton shaking, walks to the wall. His back facing the audience. George unstraps his belt from his jeans.

Ton: Dad, I’m sorry.

(George swinging belt in the air)

Christine: No George. Please. Please don’t. George!

Ton: Dad I’m sorry. Please. I promise I won’t do it again. I’m sorry.

George: I bet you won’t.

STRIKES Ton.

Christine: NOOOO

Blackout. 

Scene 2 – Ton is now grown. He is in his mid-30s. A single spotlight centre stage. This is now in the present.

Ton: I’ve still got the scar. And his raging voice still rings in my ear. After that night, he disappeared for a while. The next we saw of him was 3 months later - a police officer bringing him to our door. He had been arrested for ABH, kicking off at a barman for not serving him another. Seeing as he had nowhere else to go, my mum couldn’t help but let him in. In a few weeks of him staying, I found him time after time in the bathroom. His head so far down the toilet that he was at home with the piss and shit. This became so normal that we’d usually just leave him there until he made his own recovery. But after 3 hours had passed, he was still in the same position and that’s when I knew something wasn’t right. He stunk of boos so approaching him was hard enough, but I eventually came close enough to feel if there was a pulse. Something my mum had taught me to do, in case of an ‘emergency’, she obviously knew he would put me in this position one day. I pressed two fingers into his neck for a good 30 seconds. Nothing. I tried again with his wrist. Again, nothing. No pulse, and yet I left the house as if my dad hadn’t just died. Just like any other day. And you know where I went? I robbed a bottle of vodka from a corner shop.  Downing it no less than 2 minutes. That’s when I knew I had the same monster inside of me.  At the age of 13, I was starting my life as an alcoholic. How sad is that? 13 fucking years old. How could I follow the same steps of the man who hadn’t bothered to be a proper father? Sometimes I blame him, other times I blame myself for having no self-control. Maybe it’s in the genetics, who knows.

Scene 3. Lights come up. The whole stage is lit. Ton is in the middle of a circle of chairs, which have people sat in them. He is at an AA meeting.  

Lynn: Tony, was it?

Ton: Everyone calls me Ton.

Lynn: Sorry. Ton. If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you been sober for?

Ton: About an hour and a half.

Dance For Camera - First Draft

First Draft Video -  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISwAiiDovLs

Shots/Camera Angles Used:

• Mirror Shot - seen in dance studio clips
• Close Up - e.g. legs and hands movement.
• Establishing Shot - opening in the dance studio.
• Long Shot - seen in outdoor clips.

Stimulus/Structure: 

My stimulus is girls and their power. I want the feeling of the piece to be positive, showing myself in the video as happy and confident. I currently have one main motif, which you can see being performed in the first 20 seconds of the video. In my first draft, I also used the lyrics of the music to influence my choreography.

Choreographic Devices: 

• Repetition - e.g. saluting, jumping back on myself.
• Retrograde - e.g. 2nd dance studio angle.
• Levels - e.g. floor movement in garden.
• Dynamics - e.g. my opening position with both fists to my waist is both still and sharp. The rising arm to salute holds tension and is one of the only slow moments in my choreography.

Dance style: 

A mix of street and jazz.

Music:

Run The World (Girls) - Beyoncé

The song is empowering to women, as Beyoncé vocalises what women do and what they deserve. Therefore, it suits my stimulus well.

Costume:

This is the aspect I need to work on most. The costume I wear in the dance studio sections fit well with my theme because the khaki-coloured top presents a military look, suggesting power. Whereas, I am wearing my everyday clothes in the outdoors section. The jeans restrict me from fully doing the choreography and the jacket appears heavy. Next time, I am going to take inspiration from the following image -

The image of Beyonce imitating the classic Rosie the Riveter shows her dressed in a bright red bandanna and loose denim top. The pose along with the 'We Can Do It!' slogan fits well with my feminism/girl power stimulus.

Space:

The dance begins in the dance studio, and shifts to outdoors. It returns to the dance studio every now and again, which is where the dance finishes.

Rosas Review

Rosas Danst Rosas first premiered on stage in 1983. The film version of the piece came 14 years later (1997.) It is a dance which contains 4 dancers who are exploring the theme of human behaviour/rage, which is shown excellently through different dynamics. For instance, the movement at the start of the piece is very slow.  This is one of five sections of Rosas, and is performed on the floor. The accompaniment of only the sound of the dancer's breathing furthers the effectiveness of the movement. I enjoyed this section of Rosas because it holds a lot of tension, showing how highly-skilled the dancers are. Furthermore, it is a section which is successful in maintaining the audience's full attention. 

The second section of Rosas consists of the women repeating a motif on chairs. The ticking sound in the accompaniment paces the movement, contrasting to the opening section. A movement which stands out to me is the arm swishing out and rushing back into the dancer's body. This is because from all camera angles used, such as over-the-shoulder shot, establishing/long shots and close-ups, it creates the same impact, due to it's sharp dynamics. This is my favourite section of the dance because of the use of a prop. The chairs create interest. I am pleasantly surprised and inspired by how creative you can be choreographing with a prop used in everyday life. Lastly, the use of canon and unison is another reason why this is my favourite section of the dance. Canon provides the audience with something different to look at, whilst unison creates a strong and slick looking performance. 

Close-Up

Establishing Shot

Section 3 of Rosas is my least favourite. This is because the tone of the piece completely shifts. It shows females travelling around the institution, and this consequently means less change in dynamics. Throughout this section, I think that the choreography is all performed at the same neutral level, which takes away from the excitement felt by the audience in the sections prior to this. 

Overall, I think the dance is at it's best when there's only the 4 main dancers. The addition of more dancers in section 3 is slightly distracting. The theme of human behaviour is experimented with well, showing two different ends of scale - stillness and madness.

Research for Script

To try and reflect as real emotions as possible and the true life of an alcoholic, I looked at AA forums. The positive responses would work well for Lynn's dialogue as she is technically Ton's advisor. For example the highlighted part of the response below would fit her character well. This is because I am planning for her to be an individual, who has lost friends along the way and doesn't dwell upon it. 

"avaneesh912 wrote:
I made up my mind to just enjoy whatever life brought me.

Contentment is the mother of happiness.

... for their happiness is more dependent on their preferences than your offerings.

Are you happy in your own company? This is the skill of happiness.
(http://www.e-aa.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=36&t=16855)

AA forums also have their negative posts, which I can take inspiration from for Ton's character. For example one man posted the following - 'How long did it take for the obsession and craving to start to ease, that's the part that I'm petrified of over coming' (http://www.e-aa.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=16837). This shows how much anxiety alcoholics endure. This has made me imagine Ton to hold a lot of tension in his body.

 'Stressful events, such as bereavement or losing a job can also trigger heavy drinking, which can then lead to alcohol dependence' (https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/check-the-facts/health-effects-of-alcohol/mental-health/alcohol-dependence) 

The above has influenced me to include tragic events in my story. I have the idea that Ton will get married and soon after divorce, which will take him on a downwards spiral - in other words, make him alcohol dependent. 

Script Starter Questions

5 W'S

1) When?

When is your story going to be set? 1990/2000s.

What time period is your story going to be done in?

The story consists of current day and flashback scenes. Ton and Lynn discuss his life over a few meetings so the time period is likely to be between 2 weeks and a month.

 

Is it going to be Linear or Elastic? It is a linear narrative, in terms of the chronological order of flashbacks. However, the jump between different time periods also makes it an elastic narrative.

What is the structure of your story? I plan to have a definite climax in the middle of Ton's storytelling. The climax will also symoblise the turning point for his character - a tragic event which is the final straw, consequently leading him to seek help.

 

2) Where?

 

Where is the play going to be set?

My play is based in London. There will be various settings in my play. The opening scene is in a house, as some others are. The current day scenes will be in an ordinary hall- this is where the AA meetings take place.

How are you going to show it?

To show that my play is in London, I want to include sound effects like buses driving by and cars beeping. This suggests a chaotic atmosphere and reflects London realistically. As for the various settings, I plan to design different minimal set pieces, which can be easily dragged on and off stage.

3)What?

What key plots and issues happen in your story?

Ton being a victim of child abuse.

Ton going on and off track - trying to recover.

Ton losing his family, slowly becoming a repeat of his Dad.

 

What are the themes & Issues in your story?

Family issues

Addiction

4)Who?

Who is telling your story? Ton - narrating his past to friend, Lynn.

Who is in your story?

Ton - Protagonist.

Lynn - Friend from A.A.

George - Ton's Dad.

Emma - Ton's Wife.

Chrissy - Ton's  Mum.

Uncle & Auntie

 

5) Why?

Why are you writing this story? To warn the audience of the dangers of alcohol, and to show that recovery from alcoholism is achievable, if you're dedicated.

Why are you basing it on your theme? The theme is close to my heart. Having a family member who has been sober for 20+ years, it is important for me to showcase some of their incredible story.

Dance For Camera - Practice Q&A Sheet